Thoughts Unlocked

He shields his old eyes from the harsh rays of the afternoon Sun.The rays punish his wrinkled dark skin as if spiked with sarcasm."You are at my mercy and no one can protect you". He scans the horizon only to find the familiar sight of golden brown withering semblances of a sugarcane field.The soil feels lifeless; ashamed of its failure.His feet hurt.But he ignores it as he has done all his life.Pain is familiar.And what you are familiar with, you learn to live with it.

He opens his lunch,slowly peeling away the layers of the faded red cloth which houses his meal.Maybe with the hope that its content will last longer.False hopes, meant to protect him against the harsh reality.He looks at his meal of a single Ragi ball and a few shreds of coconut.He wants to break down and cry.But he is not even allowed that.Tears,it seems have an expiry date. His is way past.He eats.Alone.In silence.

The Sun finally takes pity.Winds commence their daily task of enveloping mankind with optimism.He gets up and grunts.His old,twisted bones resist.

The path is narrow but he has done this everyday,all his life.It opens into a clearing with a banyan tree standing in it's full glory.His weary eyes rest on the small brick structure; red,orange,white,triangular,square.He smiles for the first time since the break of dawn.His pace is hastened, pulse increased and he is breathing deeply.Probably feeling alive,again.

He bows down.The clean floor feels cool and refreshing.He thanks his lord for blessing him with another day.He asks for nothing.Sits at his favorite spot, watching the setting Sun ,hearing the chirping of birds returning home and humming his lord's name...

Man: Forgive me father for i have sinned.

Father: What have you done my son. The Lord is merciful , he will forgive you.

Man: I am not sure about that father.

Father: Tell me son.

Man: I killed the child inside me Father. Killed him second by second. In cold blood. Consciously. Like the killers they show on crime shows. I knew what i was doing. And i knew that what i was doing was not right. But still i did it .

Father: Did you enjoy it?

Man: Oh no no. Not even for a moment. But i had to it . Didn't i?

Father: Why do you feel so my son?

Man: Because i had to belong. Belong and be part of the group. Do what others did. Do what others validated and accepted . And applauded. Is it not what we do. Belong?

Father:Define others my son.

Man: My friends , family ,coworkers. Society.

Father: Have you succeeded ?

Man: Yes, I have. They all love me and accept me.

Father: Then why are you discontented? Why can't you sleep peacefully at night like you used to? Why don't you laugh out these days? Why ?

Man: Because i killed him. I killed the part within me which was the biggest source of my happiness. I killed my urge to do what i wanted. Curbed the way i wanted to feel. Got consumed by the mad rush for materialism induced by this society. Bartered my happiness based on emotions for a concept of happiness that was based on material objects.

Father: You have your answer my Son.

Man: But, what now father? What can be done ?

Father: Find the child within you my son. The child which you thought you killed was, is and will always be within you. He can't die. No one can kill him. Not even you. Because he is You.

I looked out at the deep blue sea spreading its beautiful yet treacherous wings. The waves trembled with vicious force towering over the icebreaker ship Kapitan Khlebnikov. ‘This is it ‘, I reflected as we approached the rocks lining the southern edge of the South Georgia Island. The Icebreaker had managed to cover the mountainous seas spanning close to 800 miles from Antarctica but the ordeal was not over yet. The ship, weary of unscheduled and emergency travelling, was in a bad shape. Certainly not the right vessel to brave the approaching rocks.

The temperature was sub zero as usual accompanied by chilly winds shrieking past my ears. But I was used to this weather. The expedition had started months ago but it still felt as if it were yesterday. The memories came flooding back. I had read that when you are about to die you see your life flash by. I guess it is true.

“This is the biggest and the last mistake of your life”.
“How can you just leave everything like this?”
“How can you quit at this critical juncture of your career?”
“Are you not afraid?”

The voices, expressions and resentment of my near and dear ones filled my mind. Yes, leaving an exceptionally well paying job at a leading business consultancy was a stupid thing to do. That too, when I had actually managed to carve a niche for myself in the organization and was part of the elite club. All the relentless effort and sacrifices I had undertaken to pursue my goals appeared to be a waste.

The coast was visible now and so were the thousands of King Penguins and Seals lying without a care in the world. The Island looked invigorating. If only we could reach it. A former whaling station, South Georgia was the closest land mass from the site of our accident near Ross Island on Antarctica. It was a hasty but the only feasible decision in those demanding circumstances. All the hands on board had rallied behind the captain’s decision.

The problem with decisions is that howsoever prudent they might seem, only time tells what they are worth. I had taken a decision which was the most unreasonable to a common man like myself but was the only decision that I could have taken to satiate the Adventurer in me. It might have sounded strange to other reasonable persons but, curbing my true calling of being one with nature, sitting in the plush office in a swanky business suit was suffocating. Just the thought of being out there in the open seas excited me. But for all these years I had tried to live someone else’s life.
Another wave banged against the ship. I clung onto the railing of the upper deck with my life jacket and survival kit. The collision with the rocks could happen any moment now. Just a few seconds and forces of nature would decide my fate.

By choosing the open sea over solid land, had I bartered life for death?

You live truly ,only in the face of death. You face your deepest fears and get acquainted with the ‘real you ‘. This was what I wanted to do. This was my dream.
Was it a wise decision?

I smirked, as the next wave came crashing over me.

On the esteemed day when my second article got published in the literary club newsletter of IIM Ahmedabad I ( don't know why so late) am putting down my 1st article which was written some 5 months back. :)

I looked out of the Train Window and saw streaks of Bright White light flashing between voids of darkness.”The Story of my Life” I reflected.

I looked around and tried to decipher the faces that i saw.The stories that each one of them held back.The joys ,the apprehensions ,secrets.What would it feel like to read ones mind.Would that be a liberator , knowing everything or a daunting burden of being the uninvited keeper of people’s thoughts.

Whatever it might amount to,it would help me cut through the mess of Office Politics.
Yes,Office.The place I wanted to be my whole adult life.A place which took so much more away from me other than just effort, a part of my life.And now after all those years or hard work and sacrifice this is what its all come down to.A sense of Frustration and Emptiness.
Is this what life is?Is this what i wanted to be?

“Long day mate ”,asked the person sitting beside me in his Obnoxious Australian Accent.Wait , can he read my thoughts.Is it possible?Oh my God, is it so bad.Can they see it on my face?
“Yes, a really long day”.I grinned back.Faking a fake smile that i have mastered .
Am i the Victim here or the Tormentor just playing role of the Victim to understand him better.Have i not turned into what i fear most.

“Get a grip”,Control your emotions”.”Its just the exhaustion that's playing tricks on you”.The Hot Shot Manager in the Swanky Business Suit inside me shouted.Was it really inside me?
Was I really the person whom i project myself to be.Or has the Image Subdued the Subject.Was I the Prisoner of my own Reflection.

And then I saw her.

The Train Halted at my Station.I kept standing ---- Staring--- Thinking---- Dreaming--- Living.

..... to be continued.